How To Let Go (And Begin Anew)

The Up and Down Sides of Holding On

If there was a Degree for letting go, I’d have passed with First Class Honours … I could probably manage a PhD in it: Dr Jax of Letting Go. But I’d also get the counterpart: Dr Jax of Holding On No Matter What. Hands up who could manage the same!? Probably everyone.

Stickability was a huge cultural thing as I grew up, even if you chuffing HATED whatever it was, it was character building. In the 80’s Billy Ocean reminded us that “When the going gets tough, the tough get going” (such a tune!). In many ways it was fantastically helpful in pushing through fear and experiencing exhilaration on the other side, it had its merits.

There was also the side effect of not knowing when to give up, or how to let go. Why would you when it risked disappointment, shame, being pushed out physically, mentally, and/or socially from the people and culture you belong to?

It’s easy to judge the inability of others to stick at things and make them work. At some point, I think we simply get fed up with trying to make broken, unhelpful, mind-breaking situations work. Then it goes too far the other way: better not to even try at all then I can’t possibly fail, AND/OR if I don’t try I won’t have to feel all the horrible feelings.

So how do we navigate this rocky path between holding on and letting go, then picking up the pieces and starting again?

The Paradox

After gaining my imaginary “Letting Go” and “Holding On” degrees, I did indeed start studying for my imaginary PhD. At three major points in my life, I’ve tried to hold on and broken: work, marriage, and the passing of my Mum.

Each point brought anguish and pain, the symptoms of which were Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Chronic Depression. (Somehow) Holding on meant I didn’t give in to suicidal ideation, or the idea of “disappearing”. Paradoxically it also fed the mental health issues. I was stuck.

Holding on led to looking for ways in which I could improve myself  because I believed I was the problem – I wasn’t “enough”:

• Not emotionally stable enough
• Not popular enough
• Not funny / serious enough
• Couldn’t remember enough
• Couldn’t do enough
• Not talented enough

… and so on.

Recognising The Prison Cell

My diary entries were full of this stuff, and then swung to blaming others because I felt they prevented me from being enough by expecting too much … I didn’t realise that much of this was actually what I expected of myself. I’d subconsciously trapped myself in a prison cell of perpetual blame. I had to get out or rot. But how do you get out when you don’t know that you’re in?

A combination of NHS therapies, coaches, and my own research helped me become aware of the prison cell and presented a way out of this self-defeating cycle. My identity was completely wrapped up in being the capable, talented, more-than-enough, helpful, efficient, dependable, supportive, bright, happy, extroverted Jax. There was no room for the knackered, fed-up, sleepy, quiet-seeking, “I have my own needs”, “I want to do stuff for the fun of it, for me”, introverted Jax – and this Jax was majorly angry about it.

The realisation of this was a total “light bulb” moment and ever since I’ve been researching and finding ways to become conscious of what I need to hold on to, and what I need to let go of.

I experimented with navigating the hold on/let go path and created Three Steps I could take…

Step One: Get Your Bearings

The first is to stop and give yourself enough time to get your bearings. That’s it. The simple act of acknowledging you’re not in a good place (the prison cell) and giving yourself time and space to figure out where that actually IS and how you got there.

• Where are you right now?
• What triggered you?
• How do you feel? Where do you feel it in your body?
• Is it a left-over from something else that’s happened? For example, I feel powerless in another situation, and I need something to help me feel powerful / loved / worthy / enough.
• Are there any similar patterns and feelings that have happened before? What happened then?
• What feeling(s) accompany each stage?

Write them down or draw a diagram, bit by bit, add to it whenever something pops into your mind. Seeing it, becoming aware/conscious of it makes it tangible and easier to recognise when it happens. You begin to know and understand the terrain and can stop sooner before going too far into it over and over.

Step Two: Find A More Helpful Route

Look for a more helpful route through this pattern, for example:

irritable, and have difficulty sleeping because it’s mushing around in my head, then I’m knackered and irritable the next morning and late to work and everything on this route is cloudy, cold and grey ….

Step Two more helpful possible route/pattern:

• That comment on social media is ridiculous, so I’ll put my two-pennarth in and then not look at it again, oops I looked, but I don’t need to respond because it’s not my job to change their mind, I go on with my day feeling pretty good and see the bright side of things more easily on this route.

Questions To Ask

I use the example above because it’s one of the first things I started doing and WOW did it make a massive difference to my life and brain-box! Nowadays when I am conscious/aware of my finger twitch on “reply”, I ask questions like this of myself:

• Is the amount of anxiety this could cause worth the effort of you being “right” and the futility of attempting to prove them “wrong”?
• Will holding on to this cause you more pain/anxiety than letting it go?
• Are they really as smug and self-righteous as I’m imagining, or might they be scared / worried / trying to empower themselves because they feel disempowered in some way?
• What need of my own isn’t being met? Do I feel disempowered elsewhere and how can I meet that need?
• If I let this go, where can I channel my energy more positively, productively and effectively?
• Have I got time and energy for this right now, or is peace and positive energy of higher value?

Now I find it very easy to scroll on by, and if I don’t, then I know I need to revisit these questions and act on the answers. But what is Step Three?

Step Three: Honour, Feel, Choose

The same principle can be applied to pretty much everything; relationships, moments, days, weeks, etc, but start small and simple, and be kind to yourself – holding on and letting go are important parts of your life.

The third step in navigating your own path of holding on and letting go is to Honour, Feel and Choose. Always take time to honour where you’ve come from, where you are, and where you would like to be.

On a physical level, I was a hoarder. I held on to the best Scheme of Work I’d ever taught, my Drama and Masters degree notes, photos, objects, all sorts because they held my identity – they were a part of who I was. Only I never ever looked at any of them.

After divorce and the inevitable splitting of possessions, I went through all of it, remembering and honouring the joy and pain wherever it came up. Then, I kept a handful of things and either binned or burnt the rest in a kind of ritual letting go.

My identity back then is not my identity now. Honouring it and feeling it was incredibly important because it had created me. It wasn’t pretty or comfortable throughout, some bits were downright horrible, but those feelings and emotions needed release so I could move forward. Letting it go made way for energy and space to create the next me, and she’s having a great time!

Honour and feel the feelings and emotions that accompany each stage, rather than bottling them up to explode when the pressure of holding onto them is too much.

From here on in, you know more about becoming aware of what is serving you and what isn’t, what you value and what you no longer value, what you can hold on to and what you can let go of.

You get to consciously choose, and that makes all the difference!

 Give Yourself Time and Kindness

It does take time to get to this point on your journey. You might have to stop a LOT to begin with because this is the first time you’ve traveled this terrain and it’s not at all familiar.

Don’t be surprised when you hot-foot it back to the place you’re familiar with, even if it is that prison cell. There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s simply that your brain has been wired to behave in this way, it’s trying to meet one of those unmet needs we identified earlier. For example, you feel disempowered in some way and need to feel powerful, and up to now the old way has worked, but it’s also damaged you. It’s quite a dilemma for your brain-box so it needs some help, time, and kindness.

The trick is to find ways to train your brain bit by bit to no longer identify with that place/way of being. My three steps are a suggestion, a starting point, you may find ways that work better for you – that’s great!

You’re aiming to see the old, familiar place for what it is, thank it for keeping you safe in its own way up to now, and move on/let go of your identification with, and addiction to it.

As you find and set up the new place, you’ll consciously look for what you need, and find healthy ways to meet those needs. The stuff you let go of can stay in the old place, you’ll travel lighter. Some things still serve you so you’ll take them with you and see what new things can be created from them.

It will take time, but I’m here to tell you it’s more than worth it! All the energy that was put into holding onto ways that don’t serve you can be put into empowering yourself in healthy ways that do serve you, and those around you!

Please Note: Jax Lovelock Creative is not responsible for the currency, accuracy, or legality of the content from external links on the site.

Support For Your Own Journey

The Thought, Activity, Track of The Week Post for 4 January is a great place to support you a little further with this journey.

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Do any of these questions resonate with you?:

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It’s time to get out of that brain-box prison cell and out into the fresh air of possibility!

If not now, then when?

Love & blessings, Jax.